BodyLove

The last few days have been overwhelming….for everyone.

States are starting to come out of quarantine, thousands of people continue to get laid off, #BlackLivesMatter protest resurge across the country and we’re all grappling with our thoughts full-time. In addition to everything I just listed, I started a new series called ” Body Love” by Kayla Brenda. I don’t know Kayla personally, I found Kayla because she’s a dancer and I absolutely adored the way she commanded a stage. The way she stood in her body with boundless confidence was something to see. A #WomanCrushWednesday and #CareerGoals all in one.

The BodyLove series she created was a week long workshop of several classes aimed at teaching its students to love their bodies, no matter their size, shape, or physical appearance. To love the home that they reside in – as it is. I started a journey very similar to this in 2018 when my mental health was at an all time low. I began an one-year dance challenge at the beginning of 2019. That journey is what lead me to dance, to finding Kayla and now you’re all caught up. However, contrary to popular belief, self love is not a one-time thing. It is a daily struggle made up of several daily decisions to treat yourself with compassion and chose love over criticism. Even though the classes and techniques taught would be similar to what I was already doing, I owed it to my body and to myself to continue the work. To continue the journey of being appreciative of the body I was born in.  So I signed up.

We are one day from completion and two things have stood out to me this whole time. ONE – the willingness of women to support each other and be vulnerable in private/sacred spaces. As part of the workshop, we are all put into a chat on an app called Telegram. From day one, hour one, minute one – women logged in to share their stories and their battles with and about their bodies. Women who never met each other shared deep personal trauma and EACH TIME they were met with kind words, support and tips on how to survive shared trauma. A 100% supportive environment. This is 1000% my own opinion, but I think women are starved for safe spaces like this. So much of our daily life is intertwined with “the male gaze”. Men are everywhere. At our work, at the grocery store, at the gym, at the gas station, in our classes. They are unavoidable. And even when they’re not around, their opinions still weigh heavily on our minds. “What will my boyfriend think if I wear this to happy hour?” ” I can’t spend this much money on shoes, my husband will flip.” Women constantly think of everyone else opinion, because it is what we have been trained to do. Be accommodating at the sake of our own comfort. The ladies of bodylove dove head first into the private chat because they knew it was safe from the male gaze and they probably had no other space like this to turn to. It was a drink of cold water for those stranded in the desert for years.

TWO- I’ve come a long way. I’m very proud of myself. Not to toot my own horn – but watching these women start a journey that I’ve already been on was humbling, yet affirming in that I was on the right path. I made the right decisions to lead me to a place where I can say “yeah, been there. I get it, but I’m not there anymore.” On the flip side of that, I do realize that there are things I need to dive deeper into, parts of myself and my emotions that are still a mystery. We start down a long path, we look slightly ahead to look for a sturdy place to plant our foot or a helping hand to drag us forward when we cannot walk. The hand that reaches back is always a hand that has been there, that knows the trauma you are trying to heal from and is reaching back to offer help, as they were once a person who needed help. I admit that I didn’t comment at all in the telegram app and I participated minimally with comments during class. I didn’t want to interrupt what was happening. I didn’t want my words to come off as arrogant. I didn’t want to stifle the release that was happening. A dance teacher once told me that “watching is just as helpful as practicing”. We get so caught up in doing the thing, learning the steps that all we concentrate on is the physical act. He pointed out that watching another dancer move and act out the same steps can inform your body in ways that doing it the same way in your body never could. Use the tools all around you to inform your body on how to make decisions. So that’s what I was doing. I was watching. Letting the ladies of bodylove teach me.

I’ve learned a lot in the past few days and I’m sure it’ll take me weeks to unpack it all. I’ll re-read my journal prompts, mull it over, probably write some more. I don’t know about many of you, but quarantine has left me with little to work with. I got furloughed two weeks into the stay-at-home orders, my #1 way to dealing with my mental health ( i.e dance) was taken away from me and going outside for a run could literally kill me. I was left with myself, my dog, my laptop and my phone. Thank the heavens for modern day technology! When left with minimal resources and outlets, I made the decision to work on what I had left, myself – my body. It took me a long time to realize that my body has always been there for me and it will continue to be. I owed it to her to use this time to fine tune the kinks that had been plaguing her for decades.

I hope all of you are taking the time to listen to your bodies and your thoughts to find the things that truly make your heart sing. To the ladies of bodylove – if you ever manage to see this, I applaud you. For someday you will be the hand reaching back to help someone else at the start of their journey.

Proud of everyone for making it this far.